Let’s Chat

Last month, I went to the psychosomatic department for a physical symptom, and then I took a temporary leave. This happened more than a month ago.

At first, I thought I could adjust in a few days. Now I think about it, I underestimated the disease and the medicine.

I am currently taking a drug called venlafaxine. Venlafaxine can relieve a lot of worries, but there is one thing, it will eliminate the desire to express.

After taking this medicine, you will feel relaxed and happy, but you will not have the desire to express yourself. I often fantasize about various stories this month, but I have no idea of ​​​​translating them into words. This function seems to be completely extinguished. I took the medicine and fantasized about various stories at home, and I was silly and happy. But they are not presented in my consciousness in the form of words, but something else.

I have a few patients in the author group. My friend Lao Kong, who used the pen name Kong Fanduo, told me that if I took this medicine, I would not be able to write anything, and I would definitely become a pigeon. Those who have taken this medicine all said so.

I thought I could write a little despite the side effects.

I still don’t believe in the "primacy of matter" enough.

I really can't write at all. Before I took the medicine, I wrote 2,000 words a day, but after I took the medicine, I had a hard time writing a few words.

The only benefit is that I won't get so nervous that I vomit when looking at a Word document.

Thinking about it carefully, it's a bit... uncomfortable.

I went to see a doctor and took medicine so that I could continue to work, but the side effects of the medicine directly made me unable to work.

A reader was very worried about me and asked me how I was doing in the middle of last month. I said I was fine.

He: Aren't you very worried about the problem of drug dependence? I thought you were very concerned about this kind of... taking medicine.

Me: You have been reading my books for so long, you should be able to see it. I am the kind of person who has a positive attitude towards "technology intervening in the spiritual level". I wish I could control my mood.

He: In the previous group chat, you were very worried about the dependence on psychiatric drugs.

Me: Because I have no money and no medical insurance.

The pressure of life, the medicine and the disease seem to be torturing me. I really hope that the doctor can change a different medicine, but unfortunately the doctor said that it is not up to me, and changing a different medicine may not solve the problem.

Before I get rid of the disease, I probably won't be able to update even every day.

I thought I could write hundreds of words a day, and I only updated one chapter last month.

Sorry, I have to disappoint you for a while.

And the doctor said that it would be helpful for me to let go for a while to adjust my mentality. But I don't really want to let go for too long.

For me, the career of "online writing" is my source of livelihood, the greatest meaning of my life, and my most precious connection with the world and others.

Although the website has a thousand disadvantages, there are clauses that are not favorable to the author, and there are all kinds of weird sensitive words. However, it also has two advantages. First, it is not restricted by the version number, and you can write whatever you want. Second, it can get real-time feedback.

I still like this place. At least it can give everyone a chance to write.

And I am also a person who creates with the help of readers.

As the famous Japanese novelist Kamiyama Touma said, the story written by the author and the emotions conveyed will condense a new chapter in the heart of the reader. The work is meaningful only when it is read. [So even if it is not a novel from Qidian.com, even if it is an article I posted anywhere, please leave comments as much as possible. ]

Creating works is the meaning of my life. Although the doctor thinks it is not good for me to hang the meaning of life on one thing, "finding a meaning" is indeed much better than not finding one.

But after this thing becomes too heavy, I will feel pressure because of the fear of "not writing well", and write slowly because of the pressure, and then add water because of deadlines and royalties, and feel self-loathing because of the water.

I have a very low evaluation of my own works. Although I really hope that someone will comment, if someone really comes to praise my book, I will feel... This may be a bit rude to everyone. If someone really praises my book, I will think "Ah, this person's taste is not high enough" or "Maybe he hasn't seen better" and so on.

I even instinctively feel that the comments that belittle my work are more reasonable.

Of course, if you want to say how good my work is, it is indeed not that good. I have read most of the top fantasy novels, and I know the huge gap between my work and the top level.

But, this low evaluation seems to have become a fixed mindset. It began to erode all aspects of my life outside of work.

Once again, the psychologist asked me if I had anything I was proud of. I thought for a moment and looked embarrassed, because I felt that although I wrote a lot, my writing was not very good. Apart from that, it seemed that I read more books and played more games. But there was nothing to be proud of. I like to read, but I read widely but not deeply. I lack the patience to go deep. I play a lot of games, but I am not good at them. I have never uploaded Hearthstone. I am not a connoisseur...

The psychologist interrupted me with great sorrow, saying that I bought a house and could pay him the consulting fee without hesitation, which means that my income level has exceeded that of most people. I am very successful in the secular sense.

Me: Oh, it seems so?

But I seem to have forgotten.

When I open the Moments, it seems that my high school classmates are doing better than me, with successful careers or happy families. But it is also possible that those who are worse than me will not post on Moments?

I should change this damn way of thinking.

I hope I can recover from the disease next year.

Happy New Year, everyone.