2044 My Persistence

Tears were pouring out little by little, blurring the vision and burning the eyelids. The city outside the window gradually evolved into a familiar sight of London. Those streets, that river, and those buildings intertwined into a black and white chessboard, and finally transformed. Become a colorless cage, imprisoning the wings that yearn for freedom.

Then, all the emotions just disappeared, no anger, no loss, no annoyance, no confusion, just pure sadness.

He is like a lost child. Standing at the crossroads, looking up helplessly and dazedly, I don’t know how to ask for help or where to go. It seems that I have been abandoned by the whole world, and I can no longer find support or a home. I couldn't stop crying sadly.

He gritted his teeth stubbornly, refusing to let the voice leak out from between his teeth, and it was all stuffed in his chest, but the sadness in the bottom of his eyes flickered in the crystal teardrops. The world is falling apart bit by bit, and the muffled cry burst out with piercing pain and bitterness.

Philip slowly parked the car on the side of the road, quietly watching Renly in the back seat through the rearview mirror, and let all the sadness be released like this, seemingly removing all defenses, even with Philip's nose. I couldn't help feeling slightly sour, and the night in my memory reappeared in my mind.

It was the winter of 1993, when Renly was only four years old, and it was a very ordinary night, no strong winds, no heavy snow, just scattered light rain, like countless winter nights in London In general, everything is normal.

In the early hours of the morning, Philip checked all the doors, windows and gas, ready to end the day's work, and went back to the bedroom to sleep, but found Renly in the corridor on the second floor:

Wearing pajamas and pajamas, he left the room barefoot, squatted in the corner of the corridor, hugged his knees with both hands, buried his whole head between his knees, and sat quietly, just like that, as if the whole person Into the rich night, almost no sense of existence.

"Master Renly." Philip was a little surprised, because nothing special happened that night, he couldn't imagine Renly would make such an unusual move:

George stayed at the club for socializing and did not return; Elizabeth went to Manchester temporarily after dinner and would not return at night; Elf stayed in the school library to study and would not return to the main house; Edith and Arthur both I stayed in the school dormitory and didn't go home.

As for Renly, after dinner, he was reading some books in the study, and he briefly exchanged for a while when he brought tea in. Renly seemed to be reading medical books and asked him some questions, and that was the whole situation. , everything is normal.

But the accident happened.

When Philip called, Renly didn't look up, the low, muffled cry came from between his knees, echoing faintly in the corridor, not crying, not crying, but able to Feel the sadness from the heart in that broken voice.

Renly cried silently and silently for a long time, and Philip didn't leave, just quietly waiting by the side.

The passage of time lost its meaning, and I don't know how long it took, and then Renly's tender voice came from between his knees with a thick nasal voice, and said something he could not forget to this day, "Philip, Am I the only one from now on?"

Treating Renly, Philip was always different. In this child, he saw more things. Unlike the other three children in the Hall family, his eyes could not help but stay on Renly, curious. What will happen in the future is like taking care of your own children.

He knew it was wrong. He is just a housekeeper, this is just a job, he is closely related to the fate of the Hall family, but he must also remain objective and independent, and must not cause too much entanglement, otherwise his job will be dereliction of duty, this is not a professional housekeeper The emotion one should have.

But it's still different.

After that, Philip never saw Renly like that again, so lonely, so helpless, so dazed.

Until today.

Muffled, deep, Renly's voice came over in a hoarse and difficult voice, revealing a moment of fragility, and then he asked the same question.

Just like twenty-one years ago.

He remembered, he remembered.

Philip opened his mouth slightly, but couldn't make a sound. He watched Renly's appearance through the rearview mirror, his eyes were full of sadness and weakness, as if a ball of cotton was stuffed in his chest, so dull and uncomfortable, thinking about it. I want to vent, but I can't find an exit, and I don't know what to do.

Renly raised his head, met Philip's gaze through hazy tears, and said word by word, "Answer me." Renly, who was always calm and self-controlled, always wise and wise, seemed to be begging at this time. Like a child with a lollipop, he made a request unreasonably, and then insisted stubbornly.

Renly looked at Philip with sadness, the stubbornness and vulnerability in his eyes coexisted, but the contradictions kept swirling in the tears in harmony, "Answer me!"

But Philip couldn't speak, and all the words were stuck in his throat, which was unprecedentedly clumsy.

He wanted to stay, but unfortunately, he couldn't.

George forces Philip to come and persuade Renly. George is a baron, the head of the Hall family, and Philip's boss. As a housekeeper, Philip has little room for resistance. He can refuse and has the right to refuse, but the initiative is always firmly in George's hands.

It's like using Denise Stevens to restrain Edith.

Philip knew that George and the others would not give up. Even if he disagreed, George and the others could coerce Renly in different ways. The methods and means may be different, but the result was the same. Unless Philip took the initiative to leave, he would always be there. It's Renly's weakness.

Philip also has his own perseverance. He refuses to hurt his family for the sake of fame and fortune, he refuses to smear others for his own sake, he refuses to abandon his dignity for the sake of survival, he refuses to forget his pride for the sake of glory... Just like an ancient and rigid hereditary aristocracy, Adhere to those stupid, useless, crazy, old, absurd rules, and then retire from the stage of history in the natural law of survival of the fittest.

If "evolution" means giving up his persistence, then he would rather be eliminated than abandon his former self for "survival of the fittest".

Very stupid, right?

Philip knew it was stupid, but he was willing to persevere. What's more, he is already an old guy who has stepped into the soil with half of his body, and will be eliminated sooner or later, then, it is better to stick to the last bit of pride, at least when the god of death comes, he can be worthy of his heart.

It was as if Renly also had Renly's persistence.

Therefore, Philip chose to resign himself, bid farewell to the post he had held all his life, and chose to retire and return to his hometown. Perhaps, just like this, it was eliminated by the times.

It's just... he can't protect Renly anymore.

The idiot who chased his dreams like a fool, the idiot who slammed himself into bruises, the idiot who seemed to win the world as long as he could get a good night's sleep, the idiot who walked alone for fear of being hurt, The child who ran out barefoot and caught a fever on a rainy day... He thought he would protect him to the end of his life, but now this promise could not be fulfilled.

Twenty-one years ago, Philip replied, "Master Renly, here I am"; but twenty-one years later, Philip can no longer say that.

Renly stared at Philip, but he didn't wait for a response, and then his heart was broken little by little, the anger slowly seeping out from the depths of his soul, and finally he could no longer remain calm.

"What do they want?"

"What else do they want?"

"I've never targeted them, I don't care, I don't care at all! They just need to...just leave me alone like they used to, that's all! That's all I want! They can enjoy it in London Everything, I don't care about all those things! Take it! Take it all! Just pretending that each other doesn't exist and living like this, isn't that what they are best at?"

"Why? Why do they always think about getting better? Why do they always think about being able to have everything? All I long for is a little... just a little bit of freedom and warmth, why would they take it away? Why? Can't they just let me go?"

"They hurt Arthur and Edith, they hurt Elf, and no one will blame them, why? Because they gave us life, so they can do whatever they want? Because they raised us with money, so they Trade us as tools? Because they carry the titles of father and mother, they can manipulate our lives as they please without being held accountable?”

"Why?"

"Why!"

"I can't even call the place where they exist 'home' now, and then they will erase your existence! Why? Does my existence have no weight at all? Is your life Don't devotion even mean the slightest bit? Can't they feel even a bit of warmth? Have they all lost their hearts?"

"What the hell are they holding on to, and what am I holding on to? Who can tell me? Philip, answer me, God, I need you to answer me! I'm tired, I'm really, really tired, why are they always so greedy , why are their desires never satisfied? Why do they always want to take over the world? Why is their madness never ending?"

"why?"