Two Thousand Three Hundred and Five: The Image Letter Left to Lin Sanjiu (2)

Although it was not my intention, my initial choice of target - ants - prompted my adoptive father to maintain his fantasy for a long time.

"I think your judgment is a bit arbitrary," he said to his adoptive mother after observing me carefully for a few days. "Children's brains and moral sense are not fully developed, and they often show cruelty to small creatures such as insects. Even sticking to the ants themselves may be a manifestation of Daoyi's desire to explore... I was a little impulsive that day and failed to control my emotions. I should have asked him why he did what he did."

Did I say that? My adoptive father was not a bad person.

He is just an ordinary person.

Just like a person who has just bought an ideal mansion, if you tell him that the water pipes are old and need to be replaced, it is not a big problem; but if you tell him that the foundation of the house is soaked in toxic wastewater, his first reaction is still impossible - —Maybe the water pipes will be replaced.

Although I am young and ignorant about many things, I also feel the crisis. I didn't want to go back to the orphanage, so I apologized to my adoptive father and admitted my mistake. Unfortunately, I couldn't cry, otherwise it would have been more convincing.

In a child's mind, the world unfolding inch by inch is full of novel and unfamiliar details, making every day seem very long. As for a year, it feels more like a lifetime. So I’m not sure how long it took after the ant incident; I only remember that it was a very long and uncomfortable period of time, as if I had an itchy spot on my body but couldn’t reach out to scratch it.

I don't know now how I endured it at that time. Obviously as long as I opened my mouth, I would have countless opportunities: whether it was classmates, teachers, or strangers who saw me walking on the street, they seemed to be willing to meet many of my requirements - I knew at that time what qualities were best able to be like me. Light shines in the human eye.

Even my adoptive father, after a few weeks, couldn't help but praise me: "You have a very good taste in clothes. Did someone teach you?"

Once I climbed up the fence and was going to retrieve my ball from my neighbor's yard when I noticed a mini cabin hanging on their side of the fence. I don’t know who—perhaps the neighbor himself—told me that it was a bird feeding device; I observed it for a few days and saw several different birds pecking at it.

"Where are they going?"

A few days later, when I was going out to school, I saw my neighbor’s car and the large and small bags of luggage, and I stopped dead in my tracks.

"Going on a trip," my adoptive mother adjusted my backpack straps, "Bahamas, have you heard of it?"

Even she didn't know that my next question had nothing to do with my neighbors or the Bahamas.

Don't worry, I won't describe to you the horror of a bird being mutilated. I don't inflict physical torture unless it's to form a larger picture; deriving pleasure on such a simple and basic level has always felt too primitive and low-level to me.

What's more, those birds were not dead. They just hit the glass, fell to the ground, and struggled for a while before flying away.

I have been planning this for a long time, and you only have to think about where a six-year-old child would go to find a glass plate and then transport it to a neighbor's house to understand how much work it took me.

However, something happened that I didn't expect.

When I looked at the bird flapping its wings on the ground, the satisfaction I expected came indeed - the satisfaction was not sudden, just like when you reach out and turn the globe, watching the planet follow your guidance It's like the rotation stopped, indescribable, but clear and subtle, gradually expanding like a balloon. But what surprised me was that after just a few minutes, that comfortable and fascinating mood slowly disappeared completely.

what happened?

None of my adoptive parents noticed what was happening on the other side of the yard fence. I managed to knock several birds to the ground. Why didn't I feel the same as last time? Is it because they were neither injured nor dead?

I was only six years old at the time, but I also felt an aesthetic displeasure with the simple, crude, and direct "deaths and injuries."

The answer was given to me by my adoptive father.

"...Your anxiety comes from the fact that you always focus on the future.

The future is of course full of countless possibilities for things to go bad, so you naturally cannot help but be anxious; you can try to focus on every moment now..."

Through the wooden door, his voice was not particularly clear, but I became familiar with his speaking habits, so I could hear the content. The therapist who came for consultation expressed a very confused meaning.

"Just like cats and dogs, their biggest focus is on the present moment." The adoptive father explained, "The meditation practice I hope you can do is also a way to regain your attention..."

I didn't listen to what he said next; I was walking to the kitchen at that time. It wasn't until I poured myself a glass of milk, sat down, and opened my schoolbag that the realization hit my mind like lightning.

Animals don’t think twice!

They don't worry about the future, they don't plan the road, and they don't regret anything they do; if they hit the glass, they hit it. If it hurts at this moment, then it hurts at this moment. They will not regret or blame themselves for being careless or scold themselves for being greedy. They will not move their wings for fear of possible sequelae.

Now think about it, when I cling to the ants, what really makes me intoxicated is that they are only one step away from wonderful food and the source of life; but they have lost their lives for this illusion and will never touch it. Food can never be brought back to our compatriots. We can only look at the snow-white and sweet mountains in front of us and gradually struggle and sink into death.

It's just that I didn't realize at that time that ants are very simple animals.

My adoptive mother was right. Education and environmental influences are really important. The awareness that I didn’t have in the orphanage for five or six years unknowingly shone on me in the first year after I arrived at my adoptive parents’ home.

Animals that only live in the present and focus only on this moment will not be able to provide me with any emotional satisfaction even if they are caught in my most exquisite trap. Animals are too pure. What I need is an object with intelligence and complex thinking.

Of course, I couldn't think so clearly and systematically at that time. However, I still intuitively sensed what I needed.

There are many children around me.

I just had to look carefully for an opportunity...even though I didn't know what I was looking for.

At that time, my adoptive mother always followed me closely and never missed any opportunity to educate me and correct me. She has always been calm and gentle. No matter how many flattering and correct things I said, she would just ask: "Is this what you really mean?"

After I nodded in affirmation, my adoptive mother would say "yes" softly, stand up straight again, and slowly move her eyes over my face.

One time, she brought home a can of some kind of beans. My adoptive mother looked very different that day, her smile deepened, she stroked my hair and said, "When I was a child, my mother used to make this for me because it is very nutritious. When I think of it, it reminds me of my childhood. My home, my mother at that time... I haven’t eaten for a long time, and I got interested today by chance, and I want to make it for you, okay?"

I was sweating all over my back after eating dinner that day. My adoptive mother was in great spirits and even poured herself a glass of red wine. She leaned over and asked me, "Daoyi, do you like it?"

"Yeah, it's really delicious." I stuffed my mouth full of beans, hoping to force a smile. "Mom, are you happy with your meal?"

"Then, I will cook it for you often from now on." The adoptive mother put down the wine glass, folded her hands, and looked at me calmly. Her next words were caught off guard, almost like a slap in the face. "You tell a lie, and lies have consequences."

Hey, I said it was too far.

All in all, it was not easy to find opportunities under the eyes of such a mother, but I still found them.

Don't worry, no one died.

I also forgot how I learned about it; the parents of a classmate named Akihara seemed to have a deteriorating relationship and were on the verge of divorce. That plan of mine, now that I think about it, is so childish and tacky that I feel a little embarrassed to tell you about it. I won’t go into details. In short, for a while, I often went to Akihara’s house to play - I think he didn’t like me, but he couldn’t refuse "Miya"

Daoyi wants to come and play with me" Such vanity.

Not long after, his father stormed out of the house after repeated quarrels and beatings, and never returned. As for whether my childish hands and feet had any effect, or whether the relationship between the two of them had already reached that point, is a question I will never know the answer to.

I went to Qiuyuan's house again. On this day, my adoptive mother gave me a gift.

"Mother,"

Before entering the house, I mustered up the courage and risked it by saying to my adoptive mother, "Akihara's father hasn't come back yet, has he? They had a big fight last time... I was here and heard it all."

The adoptive mother said something like "the correct way to communicate" and "it's not right to argue in front of you".

I stood at the door of Qiuyuan's house, with my back to the wall of his yard, and said: "Later, before he went out, he looked at me and said that if he had a son like me, he would at least have a reason to stay. And Since Qiuyuan, everything at home has disappointed him...Shouldn't I tell Qiuyuan?"

The adoptive mother frowned at first. She certainly disapproved of any parent saying such a thing. After hearing the end, she loosened her eyebrows, squatted down, looked at me with a hint of joy, and whispered: "That's right. Since he is your friend, you have the responsibility to protect his feelings... You know What's the right thing to do, I'm happy about it."

I thought I had succeeded; naive and inexperienced, I thought for a brief moment that I had deceived my adoptive mother and achieved my goal. As a result, before the adoptive mother could walk back to the car, Akihara's sobbing voice could be heard from behind the wall.

It's too early to cry, UU Reading www.uukunshu.net I obviously have a next step - the thought I crossed over at that time, I don't know why I still remember it very clearly now.

The adoptive mother's back was frozen at the end of the driveway, and she turned around violently.

That was the first time I saw her so angry.

Her cheeks were red with anger, she strode closer to me, and quickly glanced behind the wall, as if she understood everything.

Before, she had been teaching me not to hurt or take lives casually, but this turn of events was something she probably never expected.

My adoptive mother grabbed my wrist very tightly. Any tighter would have hurt me, but she never did. There was a kind of iron-like self-control that prevented her from raising her voice too much even at this moment.

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After the day went back, I sprinkled a lot of rice in the neighbor's yard through the wall.