Chapter 619 A Comedy Writer with a Lot of Hemorrhoids and a Lot of Complaints

The characters I create are based on synthesis, not imagination. But I'm afraid that the more things I combine, the more realistic my creations will become, which will eventually get me into trouble.

——Nikolai Vasilyevich Gogol

"Is that Mr. Gogol?"

The firewood in the fireplace crackled, and Arthur leaned on the rocking chair cushioned with red velvet cloth, looking at the Russian young man in front of him with interest, who was running around for a professorship.

Even aside from the fact that he had hemorrhoids, Gogol was a very interesting guy.

How to describe his appearance and outfit?

The hair that reaches his chin is as shiny as silk, and the stubborn mustache that stretches across his lips makes his aquiline nose more conspicuous.

The colorful satin waistcoat and the large copper chain connecting the chest pocket of the shirt to the belt buckle made it obvious at first glance that it was probably the latest fashionable tuxedo from Petersburg. In addition, he hid the carpet behind him full of colorful spare coats and vests. suitcase.

With just one look, Arthur could easily deduce that this was a fashionista who loved stinking beauty, just like Mr. Disraeli in London.

And he also discovered that Gogol was a potential severe patient with early cryptothoracic and cryptodorsal disease in humans.

So, what are cryptothoracic syndrome and cryptoback syndrome?

In short, these two diseases usually appear in fitness enthusiasts. People suffering from cryptoback syndrome usually open their hands seemingly unintentionally when walking, so that the front of the coat can be opened to reveal the lining. It's as if their chest and back muscles are so developed that they're almost bursting through their shirts.

Generally speaking, a weirdo like Mr. Gogol is extremely eye-catching wherever he goes, and you can tell that he is different at first sight.

Either he will do something earth-shattering in his life, or he will become a psychopath in the eyes of others.

But based on simple superficial observations, Arthur could not conclude that this gentleman was the master of realism in Russian literature in the 19th century, Lu Xun's idol, who wrote "The Imperial Envoy", "Dead Souls", "The Nose" and Mr. Gogol of famous works such as "Diary of a Madman".

After all, judging from what Arthur has observed so far, this gentleman's behavior is really funny, just like the characters in Gogol's works.

And if Arthur could not be sure that he was the Gogol, Arthur would not be able to make friends with him, break into the Russian literary circle through him, and establish social relations as a British spy in the Russian literary world.

Just like if Mr. Disraeli did not become Prime Minister in the future, Arthur would not want to admit that he had a great friendship with a weird guy like Mr. Benjamin Disraeli.

Of course, Mr. Elder Carter was not included in this friendship evaluation system by Arthur. The main reason was that Arthur believed that the relationship between the two was not friendship but a breeding relationship.

Arthur crossed his legs, put a notebook on his knees, held a quill in his hand, and asked in an interrogative tone: "I'm sorry, sir, out of my professional ethics, I need to make a routine inquiry to you. I hope this won’t cause you any unnecessary psychological pressure. First question, your workplace?”

It could be seen that Gogol was very nervous. His face was pale and his expression was painful. He turned around with his hat in his hand, rubbed his gloves, and looked at Arthur with a somewhat distrustful look.

Seeing his appearance, Arthur asked with concern: "Are you sick again? If you need it, I can introduce you to a good German doctor. That doctor has no other skills in his life. He was particularly interested in treating hemorrhoids and urinary incontinence, and even Austrian Prime Minister Metternich specially invited him to see a doctor in Vienna. "

Gogol covered his cheek and took a deep breath: "Um... is what you said true? What is the doctor's charging standard? Does he live in Petersburg?"

Arthur recalled Heine's charging standards, shook his head slightly and said: "His charges are usually quite expensive, but he doesn't charge even a kopeck for treating hemorrhoids, because that's his hobby. But he doesn't live in Petersburg. Instead, he lives in Paris. However, I cannot rule out his plan to move to Petersburg in the future, provided that His Majesty the Tsar allows it, if he also needs to treat hemorrhoids. "

"You seem to be making fun of me." Gogol sighed and answered the question honestly: "Nikolai Vasilyevich Gogol-Yanovsky, the eighth-rank civil servant of the empire, History teacher at Petersburg Patriotic Women’s College.”

"Are you a teacher at a women's college?" Arthur lied casually, trying to get closer to Gogol: "I have a distant sister who studies at a women's college."

"Really? Then maybe your sister and my two younger sisters are still classmates." Gogol said: "My two biological sisters are also studying in this school, one is in the third grade and the other is in the second grade."

Arthur smiled and put away his pen: "Both sisters are in a women's college? It seems that your family is well off. After all, the tuition there is not cheap."

"My family... is indeed not poor, but it cannot be said to be very wealthy. My ancestors are from the nobility of Little Russia and are partly Polish. My father used to work in the postal department in Poltava and was an eight-year-old boy. After retiring, he returned to the countryside as a local landlord and was regarded as a prominent figure in the local area. However, a family like mine cannot afford to have two younger sisters studying in a women's college in Petersburg. When I first joined the women's college to teach, I made a request to the school, and my salary of 1,200 rubles per year could be enough. Everything is transferred to the school, and the condition is that my two younger sisters can study in the school for free.”

Turning the pages of his notebook, Arthur nodded slightly and said, "Then how do you live in Petersburg without a salary? Do you rely entirely on family help?"

Gogol said helplessly: "I can help my family a little, and I can also work as a tutor for others. In my spare time, I can contribute articles to various magazines and earn some meager royalties to make ends meet. Do you read newspapers and magazines? I am in "Northern China" Bee", "Literature I have published several essays and novels in the Journal and the Chronicle of the Motherland, but most of them were published under my pseudonym. But the article "Woman" was written under my real name, and I also published a funny novel "Women". "Night Talk in the Suburbs of Dikanka".

"Ah!" Arthur pretended to be surprised, he had completely locked the target: "So that "Night Talk in the Suburbs of Dikonka" is your masterpiece! To tell you the truth, when I first read this book , my stomach hurts from laughing.”

Gogol found out that the military police colonel in front of him was actually his loyal reader, and his mentality immediately relaxed. He was about to say a few words of humility, but unexpectedly, Arthur suddenly found a ball of cotton exposed on his forehead.

"What's this?"

Arthur stretched out his hand to pick the ball of cotton, but Gogol hurriedly blocked Arthur's hand: "It's nothing, Colonel, it's just a clever little device."

"You must take it out and let me see it." Arthur asked in the tone of a military policeman: "Are you hiding something that threatens the emperor's rule?"

"I didn't, so don't make any assumptions. This is my little personal secret. Please stop asking."

"In Russia, in front of the gendarmes, no one should have secrets, unless you are a law-breaking citizen."

"How can I be a law-abiding citizen? I am excellent in every assessment. I have never been punished or sued. I have never taken a vacation before I became an eighth-grade civil servant."

"In that case, why do you want to hide something from me? You must be hiding something illegal."

Gogol was forced to have no choice but to struggle in his heart for a long time before he made up his mind and put his hand on his hair and pulled gently.

His long silky hair was held in his hands, but the top of his formerly lush head was empty and shiny. It turned out to be a wig with a spring.

Gogol looked annoyed, mad that his little secret of wearing a wig had been revealed to his face.

The Russian writer, who was nervous just now, seemed to be possessed by Peter the Great. He stood up like a spring, jumped on the stool, pointed at Arthur's nose and cursed condescendingly.

"Look! I have a bald head, that's right. But, can shaving my head nowadays threaten the emperor's rule? You mean that without hair, an eighth-grade civil servant with good conduct can transform into Pugachev? This is ridiculous! That's so rude! You are a military police colonel and a fifth-grade officer. That is true, but that doesn't mean you can bully an eighth-grade officer like me. I used to work in the ministry and was a student at a women's college. Before becoming a teacher, I worked in the State-owned Property Bureau and the fiefdom yamen!

I still have more than ten classmates in Petersburg, including Prokopovich, Danilevsky, Paschenko, Kukolnik, Bazili, Glebinka, Mokritsky, and There are several of them, and they work in various ministries and agencies. How can you be sure that they will not climb higher than you in the future? Besides, I also know Zhukovsky. You probably know who Zhukovsky is, right? That's right, the Crown Prince's teacher! He appreciates me very much! And Pushkin, my relationship with Pushkin has always been very good!

Let me tell you this, I tell you, you must not make me anxious. I have a good temper, but don't think of me as a nice guy with no temper. Rabbits bite when they get angry! Zhukovsky can talk to the emperor. As for Pushkin, Minister of Education Uvarov has to betray his face, and your director, Count Benkendorf, you know that your director has to go there every once in a while. A visit to Pushkin's apartment? At that time, as long as Pushkin mentioned it a little bit, he said that his friend Gogol met a military police colonel in Vitebsk named Hestingoff. This man was even rude.

Do you know how much this can affect your future? You're definitely the kind of person who wants to get ahead. As for me, I am a simple person, and I don’t have that much desire to be an official. I just want to find a warm place to continue creating my works, instead of living in a hiding place in Petersburg that is so cold that I can’t even stretch my fingers. inside. Because of this, I braved the snow and went to Kiev, thinking about whether I could have a relationship with the Kiev Superintendent and find a position as an associate professor at Kiev University.

However, just because of such a trivial matter, you have been questioning me endlessly since you just brought me to this place. My intelligence was strangely stagnant, my thoughts were so unfocused, and I couldn't even remember the new ideas I had just come up with on the road. You have made me so depressed, cold-blooded, and so dull that I no longer recognize myself. Did you know? It’s been almost a year! I didn't write a single line! No matter how hard I force myself, I can't squeeze it out. However, I just had some inspiration and ingenuity, and something about my bald head made me uneasy. "

Arthur calmly looked at the emotional, dancing little Russian in front of him, took out a handkerchief from his jacket pocket, wiped it and sprayed the saliva all over his face.

He put the quill back into the ink bottle, lifted the teapot and poured tea while saying: "The writer has no inspiration. This is indeed a big problem."

Gogol became even more angry when he heard this. He sneered at Arthur's words: "What do you mean by that? You are talking as if you can also write a book. You think you can write a few paragraphs of official documents and you can be considered qualified." Can you be called a literary scholar? Although it is very immodest to say so, I have to tell you that my nickname in Petersburg circles is the Russian Alexander Dumas."

"puff!"

When Arthur heard this, the black tea he just drank in his mouth sprayed Gogol's face.

He quickly took out a handkerchief and wiped Gogol's vest: "Sorry, Mr. Gogol, I know I shouldn't be like this, but the joke you just told is so funny, just like your book ”

Gogol thought Arthur was mocking him, and the little Russian was instantly irritated: "Colonel, I tell you seriously, you are finished! I will definitely tell Zhuko the truth about what happened today. Vsky and Pushkin!”

Arthur quickly waved his hand and said: "Don't worry, I mean, the title of Alexander Dumas of Russia is really insulting to you. I always think that people should have higher aspirations. Even if you say that you are Russian, Where's Shakespeare?"

Gogol turned his head away with a straight face and ignored Arthur.

Seeing this, Arthur laughed with him and asked: "Do you have any other nicknames in your circle? For example, the Russian Hugo, the Russian Balzac, etc."

"Of course! Are you laughing at our lack of knowledge?" As if to prove his reading level, Gogol clapped his fingers and shouted to Arthur: "In addition, we also have Russian Dickens , Russia’s Disraeli, Russia’s Arthur Sigmar, and Russia’s Elder Carter!”

When Arthur heard this series of names, he felt his eyes darken. He remembered that "The British" was not released in Russia. Could it be that these Russian idiots secretly produced pirated copies?

“Is there a Russian version of these people’s works?”

"Of course not!" Gogol snorted: "We all read the French version."

When Arthur heard this, he finally understood what was going on.

No wonder it is said that the sales network of French booksellers is far ahead in Europe. Last year, he negotiated French publishing with the French. As a result, this year Elder has taken advantage of the French and easily broke into Peter's. fort.

You know, this is a feat that even Napoleon never accomplished!

The most that the French emperor could do was break into Moscow.

Just like when Gogol discovered that Arthur was his loyal reader, he immediately increased his favorability towards the military police colonel.

When Arthur discovered that Gogol had read his "Hastings", the British agent immediately changed his attitude.

"Oh, I didn't expect you to be so knowledgeable." Arthur said, "It's my fault for disrupting your train of thought. To compensate you, I happened to have a good idea here, which I originally planned to write myself. Yes. But since I made a mistake, I plan to give you this idea as a way to make up for my mistake."

"Is it an idea?" Gogol dismissed it: "You'd better keep it for yourself. Do you have any good ideas?"

Arthur was not angry, he just lay in the rocking chair and spoke in French: "If this idea is not enough, I just heard that you seem to be seeking the position of associate professor. Maybe I can help you in this regard. "

"You?" When Gogol heard this, he suddenly frowned and looked at Arthur: "Do you know Kiev Inspector Brad Kay?"

"Brad Kay? No, I don't know him." Arthur smiled and said: "But I know Arthur Hastings. Oh, by the way, his pen name is Arthur Sigma, which means The man who wrote The Hastings Chronicles.”

"Do you know Arthur Sigma?" Gogol took a deep breath and looked Arthur up and down: "You... are you really an insider? However, you know Arthur Sigma and helped me find a professor. What does the job have to do with it?”

"It's very simple."

Arthur saw that the fish had taken the bait, and explained slowly: "I got the news that Sir Arthur Hastings will soon be transferred to the position of British Cultural Counselor in Russia. What does a cultural counselor do? Do you know? It is mainly to exchange culture, so he must visit various universities in Russia frequently. Let's assume that he suddenly has the idea of ​​visiting the University of Kiev to investigate cultural work, and accidentally mentioned your name in front of the president of Kiev University and the Kiev Inspector, saying that you are a Russian writer he respects very much, etc. I think this will definitely leave a deep impression on them."

Gogol said with a suspicious look: "Why do you know that he will definitely go to Kiev? If he doesn't go, you write him a letter and he will definitely be willing to go? Do you have a deep friendship with him?"

"How do I know? Don't worry about it, anyway, I just know it. As for whether my friendship with him is deep? Haha, anyway, if I tell him to go east, he dare not go west, I tell him to go Petersburg, he dare not go to Paris. "

When Gogol heard this, he felt that the gendarmerie colonel in front of him was definitely a person who was used to talking nonsense. He sneered: "Ha! Instead of letting me listen to your bragging here, it is better to let me listen to the so-called idea you just said! At least your idea will definitely not be as bizarre as your relationship with Arthur Sigma. "

"Listen to my idea? Good! My idea is more attractive than my friendship. You owe me a big favor this time. "

Arthur smiled and said: "Just say it! On the way to Petersburg to take office, Arthur Hastings had his luggage stolen, and even his diplomatic documents were all gone. Without money and documents, he was trapped in a small town for five days and five nights. However, the mayor of this small town unexpectedly received news that the imperial envoy would visit..."

As the narration progressed, Gogol felt more and more that something was wrong.

At first, he just laughed at the stupidity of the city's officials, until he heard that the real imperial envoy was visiting, and the imperial envoy brought a clerk with hemorrhoids, Gogol's smile immediately froze.

He stared at Arthur, and couldn't say a word for a long time.

Arthur drank a sip of tea, enjoying the warmth brought by the stove, and asked: "Nicholas, guess, what is the name of the town where Sir Arthur Hastings was trapped for five days and five nights?"

Gogol's expression was wonderful: "I won't guess."

"Why?"

Gogol took a deep breath: "I'm afraid I guessed right."