Broken Thoughts

Late at night, quiet, unable to sleep, write something casually.

There is no update today, either because I can't write something, or I can't think of a plot, or I have an inexplicable emotion. Can't tell if it's irritability, laziness, or confusion. Anyway, I just don't want to open the small black room, don't want to code words, and there is a force deep in my heart that resists.

This state has lasted for a long time, so long that I can't remember, three months, four months, or five months? Only recently, it has become more and more serious, so serious that it makes me feel desperate.

I'm wondering where the problem is.

I didn't think about this issue carefully before, and I just browsed the web, watched videos, and read books in a daze, letting my time go to waste. Then I regretted and blamed myself, why wasted time again, I must update it tomorrow, write three chapters, four chapters, five chapters... But when I woke up the next day, it was still the same as before.

During the day, I was thinking, where is the problem.

I think that if you don't understand this problem, even if you finish an old book, you may not be able to get back to the state of the new book, which is a very dangerous thing. Why, the situation that cannot be solved now can be solved by opening a new book. Just like I have always felt that I owe one chapter today, and I can make up three chapters tomorrow. I can't even write two chapters today, why do I think I can write three chapters tomorrow? It's silly and naive, it's really boring to lie to yourself.

So I was thinking, what is the reason that made me fall into the current depression.

My first thought was ambition, maybe I don't have it and I don't have enough desire for money. My previous dream was simply to be able to write a book, whether good or bad, just write a book. But now, not only can I write books, but I can also make money. My dream has been overfulfilled.

Then... What other dreams do you have, to become a great god? To be honest, deep in my heart, I am quite pessimistic about the Internet literary world. I think the Internet must be constantly developing and improving. There will be good books, but there will be no real masters. No matter how good your writing is, no matter how good your grades are, you will never become the next silkworm potato, or dream of a magic machine.

In addition, I am an easy-to-satisfy person, not ambitious enough, and hard to find motivation.

What is the reason other than ambition?

I feel lazy and bored, day after day, locked in a small house, writing a book alone, without any friends in reality. It was okay at the beginning, but after a little more than three years, this kind of loneliness has accumulated and exploded together now, and it is difficult to solve it by personal will.

Then what else... Maybe there is another important point, maybe I don't know how to finish the book. It’s the first time I’m writing a book, I really don’t have any experience, I always think about where to write, and now I can’t get rid of it.

No matter how round it feels round, it seems that the completion of the book is nowhere in sight. Then I fell into a vicious circle, the more I wanted to finish the book, the more I couldn't finish it, and the more irritable I became...

I used to write very passionately, and the wonderful chapters I wrote made my blood boil. I am eager to know everyone's evaluation, and I want to see everyone praise me. I will deliberately ask people in the group, how is this chapter written... In fact, I know that my writing is very good, so I want people to praise me. I will be on the post bar, secretly read the comments below, and I will be secretly happy when I see the praise.

The happiest thing in the past was after finishing the two chapters, eating instant noodles and watching a movie with peace of mind. Because it has always been like this, if I can’t write two chapters, I feel very guilty and unhappy in doing anything.

In the past, when I got up every day, I would look at the background data, read the comments of book friends, and read every comment.

Now it's all faded, and many things feel very boring. I feel that life has no expectations. Tomorrow will still be the same as today. After one month, it will still be like this. After three years, it will still be like this...

Because that’s how I came here. In 12 years, I was a computer and an empty room. Three years later, the present situation of 16 years has not changed much.

When I said the above paragraph, I felt quite hypocritical. Now it is much better than three years ago, and I am still not satisfied...

But after thinking about it, if I wasn't so hypocritical, I probably wouldn't be able to write a book, and I wouldn't be able to write Xianwu, so I still have to thank the hypocrisy.

I also thought of a sentence I once said, the code word I don't want to face the most, but only in the code word can I really get a moment of tranquility.

After all, it's still hypocritical.

What is the problem? Why can't it be updated?

Not sure, after crossing this hurdle, I will look back at myself in a few years. To stay up all night, to write this stupidly, might die of laughter.

Who is born in the world without trouble, and never feel that your suffering is so special, you and I are all mortals.

At the end of writing...it became chicken soup for myself again, and I was also drunk. After finishing this bowl of chicken soup that I made myself, go to bed quickly, go to bed early and wake up early, wishing myself a speedy recovery. To find this site, please search for "" or enter the URL: